idham

2008-05-19T10:09:00.000-07:00

i told myself that i would blog only when i really need to. and now, i think i really need to.

today has been a very emotional roller-coaster ride. well, the last few days have been, i'm just either too busy or tired. nah, k i didn't feel like sharing it and i was being in denial. but, i finally realise that i should blog about it, not that so you guys can read about it, it's so that i can read and remember for myself, cos i want to remember. i mean i need to.

cos remembrance is all i have.

you see, i hate change. YES, CHANGE, it fucking sucks. and i hate to move on. i mean why? why must we?

i'm someone who's very sentimental and have a strong sense of attachment to places/things/people. These are the things that give meaning to my life and change, i'm scared of it. why? cos change not only means not knowing what to expect, but change for me throughout my entire life has been about saying goodbye to things, people, places, all those that have mattered very deeply to me. change has seen parts of my life walking out the door and not coming back. i mean i've lost my friends throughout the years, i've lost places that brings back memories, i've lost things that brings meaning. i mean seriously why? why cant all these stay? i guess i finally realise why they say the most important thing to a man is his memories and his thoughts, cos without them, he'll be lost, he'll lose the value of knowing that something so valuable in his life that is now lost was there. he'll lose his life, cos life is all about looking back at the past and thinking as to whether things could have been different.

i'm moving house in a week. and it's just a house, yeah. but the thing is it's not just a house.

to me, it's not just a place where i return to from school, where i eat, sleep and drink. all this space that makes my house, the walls, the rooms, my room especially, are the things that form the space that holds my memories, my life. this is where i grew up. in all the years that i go through change, when i go through ups and downs in my life, when my dad beats me, or when my parents fight, or when my sister kissed me on the cheek, these are the things that remains unchanged, these walls, they stuck with me, they are part of the memories in my life. even my cupboard, a mere cupboard, and my bed, the underneath of it, are my hiding spots when my dad was going to beat me, when i felt lonely, when i felt like disappearing, these are the places that hid my fears and my worries, my feelings.

and i really regret that i didn't spend as much time with my family as i should have, that i didn't return home for mom when i could, to protect her from dad, cos i always see her giving in to him, but spend my time outside, when all that really matters is back at home. and now suddenly, i'm moving house. because of change. because we need money, because i'm growing up and i need a room for myself, because that's how life is. and it's all happening too fast. first change was when i got kicked out of jc and i didn't noe what to expect from a poly, well i still don't. and i don't noe what else to expect in life anymore. it seems to be taking me by the hand and dragging me wherever it wants to, and it sucks, seriously.

and so, all i could ever do, was to take pics of my room, my house, even the garden at my block, and yeah that's the reason ive not been going out so much recently guys, cos ive mostly been lying on my bed, in denial that all these would stay and i would tell myself and reassure myself that it would, until i know it wouldn't and feel all fucked up.

p.s. thanks dad, you were really great, especially today, when everyone is sad over the moving house thing, you had to show your "sadness" by scolding vulgarities and throwing tantrums and scolding mom. i realise that the reason ive always hated going home, being at home, was you. and now my home is about to disappear from my life. THANKS. really.

2008-04-22T05:31:00.000-07:00

been 7-8 days into sch.

LOLS. quite fun ah. but tiring, I HAVE TO TAKE THREE BUSES TO GO SCHOOL AND BACK. IMAGINE THAT! not to mention my damn ez-link lah. lols fuck u noe i have to top up every two days, and this is when im still using student fare (the old ez-link HAHA).

ANYWAYS, i like my classroom. WAHAHA, very cooling lah. and my class is not bad itself lah. we just need to bond together more.

and well, there's whacky ppl inside. LIKE ah beng daryl and jackson, guilty-faced teck hwee and horny boy elyas, as well as the bimbo lesley.

LOLS. and i eat a lot in school these days. i spend 10 dollars in a day, on just FOOD. i hope i can get fat man. SERIOUSLY (corrine's style)

bah, ok, i'm tired.

2008-03-29T22:49:00.000-07:00

celebrated bro's bdae yest.

HAHA, just went out to eat as a family at cck park, quite nice, and cheap also. had satay, tom yam, butter prawns, lemon chicken, sweet and sour fish, and kailan with mushroom (which is nice!), all these with plain white rice.

LOLS. then we went to walk around at lot one.

and my mom bought this bonia bag that this old auntie also wanted, HAHA and the auntie looked so sad that my mom was like feeling bad for some reason. even i somehow feel sorry for her you know, and she just kept looking at my mom holding the bag with such longing. LOLS. see the passion ppl can have over a bag?

yeah, i'm obviously bored.

stuck.

2008-03-28T08:46:00.000-07:00

went to have sheesha again on mon, LOLS.

yeah sheesha can really like replace my malboro or sth alr. Anyways, went with james, aiman, iman (aiman's bro), zulhafiz and fareez (whom we met along the way at bugis mrt).

we had a gd time and it was fucking nice, although the strawberry mint was so much nicer than the green apple. HAHA, but we got to hang out, so that alone was fun. HAHA, yeah and we had it at AMIRAH's GRILL OR STH, where coleslaw was priced at 4.90. =_= ok, i know what you're thinking (and yeah, i can like top up my ez-link man) HAHA.

oh ya, just so u know, fareez was afraid of dying. (He started coughing and aiman and his bro told him of their friend who died two weeks after smoking sheesha). HAHA, they fucking told him that the guy was also coughing just as he was and complaining about some phlegm. (it's fake actually, no one died, or i wouldnt have continued to smoke the sheesha). but sadly though, as scared as he was of dying, the usual fareez went to meet some girl he just got to know from friendster afterwards =_= (I MEAN IF IT WAS ME I WOULD HAVE LIKE GONE HOME STRAIGHT TO SPEND TIME WITH MY FAMILY) CHEY! LOLS, LIKE WHAT THE MALAYS WOULD USUALLY SAY, MCM PAHAM

haha, and after sheesha we went to TONG SENG COFFEESHOP and just hanged out around bugis. and for those who've nvr eaten at this tong seng coffeeshop, just NVR EVER EVER EVER GO THERE FOR A DATE, THOUGH THE FOOD IS REALLY NICE AND CHEAP ACTUALLY. but i FUCKING SWEAT LIKE IVE JUST BATHED. so yeah.

then for the next few days, i have just been stuck at home; i just went to eat swensens with my family yest. i regret ordering the 49ers chicken or sth. i mean i saw the all time fav label on it but really, i regret ordering it. LOLS. but i love the ice lemon tea. it's like the mug is the size of those for drinking beers. (WOO)

and today i finally got my macbook man. MUAHAHAHAHAHHAHA.

but, the msn sucks. so be happy fuckers and stop complaining or whining. LOLS

2008-03-23T08:36:00.000-07:00

a. List seven habits/quirks/facts about yourself.
b. Tag seven people to do the same.
c. Do not tag the person who tagged you or say that you tag "whoever wants to do it".

1. i'm not a liar. i'm a storyteller, i merely fabricate things and exaggerate.

2. i tend to be very rebellious and am willing to challenge the system/fucked up teachers.

3. i FUCKING hate emo kids/scene kids/poseurs/cocky ppl/fucked up teachers who demands respect but dont give them (anyone actually but teachers are the worst)/racists/favouritism/guys who think with their dicks/ppl doubting me or looking down on me.

4. i hate crowds, esp mrt crowds, when some retards just jostle their way in even though there is obviously no fucking space and how it ends up as me having nth to grab on to and be like a retard trying to balance for the rest of my journey. i feel like fucking moshing all these retards and give them sth up their asses. and i hate those who fight for seats/dont give their seats to pregnant ladies/senior citizens. since they like sitting so much, i wish they can just get stuck to the mrt seats.

5. i'm short-tempered. piss me off and you die. seriously. and i'm very vengeful also. =)

6. i have weird practise hours for guitar.

7. i love eating maggi mee curry flavour.

damian
simin
april
merina
cryssie
amanda(choy)
qamarul

2008-03-23T04:43:00.001-07:00

hanging out at bugis is the sex.

sheesha, murtabak and mee siam/mee hoon goreng, teh tarek, malboro and great friends.

anyways, went to min's house today, sorry for being late. had lontong at west coast with my family first. HAHA. well, her room is much more tidy than mine and she has this big comfy bed which i bet has cum stains on it. LOL.

and nah, sorry no orgy porgy at her house today (even though there was no one at home, LOLS, see how well behaved we are =) ). We just watched horror movies through her laptop and fiona screamed whenever there are scary parts. =_= im telling you, i can't tell which is worse, her screaming or the ghosts. LOL. and at 4 she had to go for her tuition and so yeah i had to leave with her. (she fucking didnt wanna pon ah, i cant believe it, it's like everyone wants to hang out with me but she, she cant even pon one stupid tuition. HAHA)

okok, ill go find work soon. damnnit.

2008-03-14T04:10:00.000-07:00

had a crazy time yest with two of my bitches , yimin and fiona. LOL.

oh oh ya, haha, i went ngee ann poly to buy laptop first (HAHA, stop laughing fiona) and then i went to outram to pay my smoking fine. haha. fiona believed that it was 3000 dollars. (and sorry mc that i didnt perform with you guys at plaza singapura, couldnt make it)

and after that i finally met the two bimbos at city hall. LOLS.

went to mat haven (penin) LOLS! as my friends were there looking at pedals, buying shoes.

but we went to eat, cos fiona didnt like them (HAHA). and the food was suprisingly nice. MIN MIN had mee berus (toothbrush noodles) , fiona had mee goreng with taugays in it and i had hor fun. i might just like hor fun more than ban mian now. LOLS, sorry cryssie.

lols, after we finished eating we decided to visit damian - he's been complaining like gay that we've nvr visited him so yeah we went. sampled the diff ice-creams there and then ordered one with peanut butter, irish cream and cheese sth ah (fuck i forgot). LOLS. and then we played pictionary. that fiona won =_= and yeah i discovered min cant draw for nuts! haha (i can't draw actually, my car looks like that of a k1's drawing).

haha, but i had fun though, but not so much fun when i had to go to amk to go home =_=. ive nvr been there my whole life ah. amk is like ah beng haven, no wonder min's so vulgar.

LOLS, then for today had to stay home with sis. bro had to go for an operation. yeah, i hope he'll be fine.

2008-03-12T05:21:00.000-07:00

the rain is really one bugger. was supposed to go to my class bbq (sec sch class) but since it was raining, i didnt go. i doubt there is even a bbq actually (i msged my friend who's alr at the chalet and she said it was raining there also). GREAT, just great. just when i thought i could relax with my sch sec classmates.

and so, i was stuck at home the whole day. a few of my friends asked me out but i didnt pick up the phone, i was really not in the mood. heh, sorry guys.

but now im feeling really bored. maybe i'll go lepak2 with my friends later. HAHA.

anyways, sorry syed, haha, blogger aku mcm sial sikit.

2008-03-11T08:07:00.000-07:00

i've been so busy these days. but today i get to rest, like finally!

and gig is over at last, went well, didnt screw up at all.

anyways, i had my 2nd counselling session today, i made a new friend. haha.

and i realised something. i realised that somehow ppl only find me when they need to.

for example ppl talk to me on msn when they're bored, when they want to complain about some bitch, or when they just found out im friends with some guy they find cute.

yeah, tell me about it.

2008-03-04T06:36:00.000-08:00

lols, counselling session was funny.

haha, i went into the room and i saw like ah bengs/mats. but what was funny was how the whole thing went.

i mean the ah bengs/mats there couldnt give a fuck about the harmful effects of smoking, and neither were they interested to be counselled on why they should not smoke. HAHA, but the nurses there, they just really kept trying, and even tried using reverse psychology on me. haha. (i'm like so pro at detecting them and lying). lols

so i pretended to be like eaten by their words, act interested on learning ways to quit, said i wanted to change and stuff, and told a sad story about a friend dying of lung cancer, and they immediately were like saying oh idham can really change and quit, i have faith in him to the whole counselling room, and i was like laughing there on my own.

and what was more funny was, i was the oldest, yeah. i felt weird. it's like fucking stupid. i'm 18 this year and they were like 14-15, at most 16. lols. it's like i really feel i shouldnt be there, it's like as if im 12 and i'm with these bunch of 7year olds and we are told on how to line up for food in the canteen or sth. (ok maybe not a very gd example) HAHA.

but still, it was an experience. hahaha.

so after that interesting experience, i went to meet abu and zulkifli. we then walked around westmall to look for stuffs and then we met up with haziq at lot one to have lunch.

i ate my usual ban mian. (my fav) yeah, it's really damn nice, the ban mian at food culture of lot 1 shopping mall. haha. but sadly though, until now i cant seem to pronounce it properly. (as in the chinese will always laugh whenever i mention ban mian).

Nadzirah says:
dont talk to me
Nadzirah says:
im talking to not so boring ppl oredi
Nadzirah says:
hahahahah!!!

see, this nadzirah is a fucker. haha

k nadz, i alr mentioned u. =)

2008-03-03T07:14:00.000-08:00

ive got a fucking smoking counselling session tmr. ARGH.

i bet i'll stumble upon some mats/ahbengs with tattoos who are probably ard 14-15. hahaha.

anyways, ive got my enrolment package. but i'm like fucking lazy to do anything about it. so many forms. hahaha. LECEH. and i think i'll get lost on my first few days of school. lol.

BUT BUT. here's the thing. my course requires an apple notebook. hahaha. it's nth actually, but it sounds cool. and when i told fiona the bitch about that, she said she'll eat apples on her lap or sth, which doesnt make sense. yeah, SIAO.

and fuck. yimin's damn vulgar. haha

2008-02-28T06:39:00.001-08:00

went jamming today.

ok bad tone, i need to buy my own pedals and come up with my own sound.

gig is next sunday. bummer.

im gg sch tmr, i think. damian's chickening out of a date with a cheerleader. he wants me to talk for him. he'll just keep quiet on the date and pretends that he can't talk cos the tom yam noodles in sch are too spicy (but he's actually a noob at eating chilli also). HAHAHA.

i'm a fucker.

2008-02-27T08:43:00.000-08:00

OK (EDITED VERSION - cos of that bitch fiona - HAHA)

came to innova for the cca fair and performed today. i practically brought the sex to innova's sch hall. lols.

anyways, i was supposed to come with that botak damian and whore aslam. haha. but that retarded aslam somehow was locked up inside his house, as in his keys were outside his house and he was trapped inside =_= so i met damian first, but i was fucking late. hahaha.

then when we were walking to sch, it was like i didnt know innova any more. so many unfamiliar faces (a lot of nerds lah...HAHA).

and so in sch we saw GODZILLA GERRY and ah lian MAY, and we joined them, MAY TOOK HALF AN HOUR TO FINISH AN EGG. (nah, i'm not sure actually). haha. and that bitch fiona came later on. in her ac uni, but she didnt have balls to walk around in ij with it...haha (dont say she's a girl and she has no balls, she's a shemale fyi). then me, chandra, aslam, damian, fiona and fiona's friend (forget the name lah!) went to the cca talk, which is like the stupidest noobiest move we've ever made. haha. and after that, we had lunch, fiona's lips turned red after eating some spicy noodles, yeah she's a noob, i noe.

and we stayed in innova for hours more. i performed and well aslam wanted to find chicks to impress with his floorball skills (obviously jealous that they were impressed by my guitar skills - they took pictures! haha) while damian was in denial by gg for soccer training. (denial la damian cos u can't play soccer for fuck, haha KIDDING) HAHA. NOOBS MAN.

lol, then we had dinner at causeway point. yeah dinner and "dinner", if you get what i mean. k fuck it if you dont. (HAHA, and we were crapping about some pontianak, see damian's gay livejournal)

haha but today my sister was super cute. i went home and she was all alone. so she was scared and obviously was like damn pleased when i came home. she poured me a glass of chocolate milk and served me dinner. haha, then she showed me her castle drawing.

lols, yeah sometimes i feel like smashing her head against the wall but i guess she's the only irritating sister anyone could ask for. and maybe i'll put up her pics one day. but then again, there are those fucking sick paedophiles out there like chandra and amin.

AND FUCK YOU IF URE THINKING THIS IS GAY AND ARE LAUGHING AT ME. I BET U DONT HAVE A YOUNGER SISTER/BRO TO PLAY WITH. I BET U ONLY PLAY WITH YOURSELF.

fuckers

2008-02-26T06:57:00.001-08:00

k fine ppl, blame me, go ahead.

when you are feeling like shit/stressed/in a dilemma and you're not sure who to blame, blame *points to himself*(blame me lah fuck).

argh, k im turning crazy, but seriously stop it ppl. you are the cause of your own problems. and finding the blame wont help you come to a solution.

and lastly, i can get pissed off also. so yeah.

FUCK

2008-02-25T06:03:00.000-08:00

monday blues.

2008-02-22T06:50:00.000-08:00

G

I

B

S

O

N

yeah. been going out like crazy, tired man.

2008-02-20T06:04:00.000-08:00

betcha cant play this.

hahaha, i can. in like 45678798 years.

no no, i can, i think i can.

i rotted again at home today. yeah yeah, i know u jc ppl have orientation. haha. anyways today a weird random guy from mda called me and surveyed me. haha, wth sia. he asked me what phone i'm using and stuff. and when i said dopod, he said, wah wah, dopod ah, wah wah. hahaha. ok.

this is going nowhere.

2008-02-19T06:33:00.000-08:00

NRIC : S9022587A
Name : MUHAMMAD IDHAM B MOHD ALI

1. The results of your application are as follows:
Posted Institution : NGEE ANN POLYTECHNIC
Course Name : MULTIMEDIA & ANIMATION
Course Code : N55
2. If you are posted to a JC/MI, please report to the JC/MI on 20 Feb 2008 at 7.30 a.m.. If you are posted to a Polytechnic/ITE, an enrolment package with the relevant enrolment details will be sent to you.
3. If you wish to apply for a transfer to a particular course, you should approach the institution concerned directly. The institution concerned will inform you of the outcome of your application.

went town and bugis today. fuck, dont wanna talk about it.

i'm looking forward to poly, somehow.

ok, i'm damn tired. shall crash.

anyways, teh tarek at zam-zam is the sex.

2008-02-18T08:03:00.000-08:00

haha, super fucking high today!!!!!

helmi knows why. 3, i repeat 3. haha, nice date today, 19/02/2008.

you guys should buy 4d (1902).

2008-02-17T06:09:00.000-08:00

weekends have been fun, kept going out with family and friends.

but the horror of weekdays, beginning from tmr. FUCK. haha, think i'm gg sch tmr to play some soccer. anyways, getting my posting results on tues. hope i get my first or second choice.

yeah, not quite ready for it though. ok, i'm off.

2008-02-14T06:54:00.000-08:00

sian.

sian.

sian.

lol. fucking sian man to be alone at home.

anyways, i've decided.

and there's nth that will stop me.

scale, fretboard, tapping, sweep picking, legato.

2008-02-13T05:42:00.001-08:00

came back to sch again today.

all i have to say is, i'm still the king. :D

king of guitar. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

2008-02-12T00:54:00.000-08:00

stayed at home today watching movies.

then sometimes, i'd be thinking,
what would i be usually doing in sch at ard this time,
and what would my friends be doing

like would they be having so much fun, e.g. playing soccer for p.e. while i'm stuck at home? would they miss me? or worse, would they be talking about me?

this is fucked up.

i'm seriously fucking bored at home, someone give me sth to do please before i turn into a pocket emo (see my friendster profile page).

HAHA

2008-02-11T03:40:00.001-08:00

came to innova for a nice little visit. had a chat with my friends in the canteen, then played soccer. it was hell fun.

then i went to the mc (musician's club) room. and after a while i left (for the first time - i just see no reason for me to stay behind).
and on the way home, talked about life with zhai.

i feel like there's a lot for me to say but i'm not sure what it is i want to say. i'm so indifferent and yet i kinda miss going to school.

and there was this person who said sth to me today, which for no reason is still stuck inside my head.

she said sth like, "are you chinese? he's chinese?(asks my friend)".

i guess after hearing the same few words from ppl, which is, "how are you", "are you okay" or "i heard what happened", hearing sth different just means a lot. i dont know, maybe it's her.

i need a gf. i think.

but then again she also said she hates chinese boys. haha.

2008-02-10T03:36:00.000-08:00

been sleeping like a pig these few days, i'm so shagged.

haha, went to west coast today, played around with my sis on kick scooter. but before that, we ate at the ayer rajah food centre (i ate mutton chop). and then at west coast park, we ate macdonalds again (actually it's only me). haha, i eat a lot these days. then we went to sheng siong to buy groceries.

then back at home, i ate again. lol. well, i guess i've got a big appetite.

(k it's obvious that i have nth to say actually. i guess i should just go and watch spider man. HAHA.)

2008-02-09T05:41:00.000-08:00

k, i'm broke (i think i need to find a job real soon).

maybe i should drop by pizza hut on monday. hmm.

anyways, family outing tmr. nth much. but im just grateful that my family did not take the smoking thingy too badly, and also grateful for the fact that they were always on my side.

k my life is sian. bye.

the biggest RAT for CNY.

2008-02-07T21:44:00.000-08:00

new blog. a change, hopefully.

anyways, a lot of shit has happened since the last time i blogged.

firstly, i'm single.
secondly, i got retained.
and lastly, i got kicked out of school. (which makes the second point useless)

but it's not all too bad for me.

i mean getting retained esp, made new friends (the COOLIOS), got closer to some classmates from last year who got retained as well.
single life, well, freedom i guess, and i get to spend more time with friends and to just flirt around. haha.
for getting kicked out of school, i don't really mind actually, i mean thinking about it, who would want to stay in a shithole like that. but i'll miss my friends. and the way in which i got kicked out was just rather unfair to me (i'm the only one who got kicked out).

ok, apparently i got "caught" for smoking. actually, no, it's we. we were "caught" at the void deck of block 509 and were said to be smoking because of the smell (which is !@#%$^$ because the teachers didn't even smelled me) . and furthermore, to me, you're only caught for smoking if you're caught in the act, which is having the cigg in your hand, lighted, and you were seen puffing. and you know what the teachers said? they said they saw us, at 10th floor, smoking.

ok ok, so we were at 10th floor but if they saw us smoking, why didnt they catch us in the act? liars.

and also, we were not doing it in sch, it was done at a hdb flat, isn't that fair enough? and yet, the sch even said that we gave a lot of trouble to them by serving as bad influence to our friends. i think that's the most fucked up part cos even if we smoke, we didn't ask anyone else in the sch to smoke, and come on, i'm like 18 this year...WTF.

but what i esp hated was how the teachers lied to me, they said i still have a place and look what happened. when my parents came, they suddenly wanted to expel me. it's either expulsion or i withdrew. and the vp was the worst (for it was his idea to expel me) and it was also he who created the most nonsensical stories about me.

k firstly, he said my progress this year is still bad, which is #^$&$*. then he said he had a lot of one-to-one talks with me warning me of what happens if i create trouble, and that i even signed contracts with him, which is another !@#$%%^. and lastly, he told me to justify myself and yet, whenever i said sth, he just shook his head and laughed (no respect), and thus i replied that i don't seem to have any say in this at all and he said that he gave me a lot of say when i got retained and when i got caught the first time...!@#$%^&* (he didnt even talk to me when i got caught the first time).

anyways, i think i've had enough talking of this. what i just don't understand is, how do these ppl live with themselves. don't they feel any guilt whatsoever?

if only i really had the Deathnote,
it would be my name written in it