Monday, May 19, 2008
i told myself that i would blog only when i really need to. and now, i think i really need to.
today has been a very emotional roller-coaster ride. well, the last few days have been, i'm just either too busy or tired. nah, k i didn't feel like sharing it and i was being in denial. but, i finally realise that i should blog about it, not that so you guys can read about it, it's so that i can read and remember for myself, cos i want to remember. i mean i need to.
cos remembrance is all i have.
you see, i hate change. YES, CHANGE, it fucking sucks. and i hate to move on. i mean why? why must we?
i'm someone who's very sentimental and have a strong sense of attachment to places/things/people. These are the things that give meaning to my life and change, i'm scared of it. why? cos change not only means not knowing what to expect, but change for me throughout my entire life has been about saying goodbye to things, people, places, all those that have mattered very deeply to me. change has seen parts of my life walking out the door and not coming back. i mean i've lost my friends throughout the years, i've lost places that brings back memories, i've lost things that brings meaning. i mean seriously why? why cant all these stay? i guess i finally realise why they say the most important thing to a man is his memories and his thoughts, cos without them, he'll be lost, he'll lose the value of knowing that something so valuable in his life that is now lost was there. he'll lose his life, cos life is all about looking back at the past and thinking as to whether things could have been different.
i'm moving house in a week. and it's just a house, yeah. but the thing is it's not just a house.
to me, it's not just a place where i return to from school, where i eat, sleep and drink. all this space that makes my house, the walls, the rooms, my room especially, are the things that form the space that holds my memories, my life. this is where i grew up. in all the years that i go through change, when i go through ups and downs in my life, when my dad beats me, or when my parents fight, or when my sister kissed me on the cheek, these are the things that remains unchanged, these walls, they stuck with me, they are part of the memories in my life. even my cupboard, a mere cupboard, and my bed, the underneath of it, are my hiding spots when my dad was going to beat me, when i felt lonely, when i felt like disappearing, these are the places that hid my fears and my worries, my feelings.
and i really regret that i didn't spend as much time with my family as i should have, that i didn't return home for mom when i could, to protect her from dad, cos i always see her giving in to him, but spend my time outside, when all that really matters is back at home. and now suddenly, i'm moving house. because of change. because we need money, because i'm growing up and i need a room for myself, because that's how life is. and it's all happening too fast. first change was when i got kicked out of jc and i didn't noe what to expect from a poly, well i still don't. and i don't noe what else to expect in life anymore. it seems to be taking me by the hand and dragging me wherever it wants to, and it sucks, seriously.
and so, all i could ever do, was to take pics of my room, my house, even the garden at my block, and yeah that's the reason ive not been going out so much recently guys, cos ive mostly been lying on my bed, in denial that all these would stay and i would tell myself and reassure myself that it would, until i know it wouldn't and feel all fucked up.
p.s. thanks dad, you were really great, especially today, when everyone is sad over the moving house thing, you had to show your "sadness" by scolding vulgarities and throwing tantrums and scolding mom. i realise that the reason ive always hated going home, being at home, was you. and now my home is about to disappear from my life. THANKS. really.
Write with no regrets
10:09 AM
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
been 7-8 days into sch.
LOLS. quite fun ah. but tiring, I HAVE TO TAKE THREE BUSES TO GO SCHOOL AND BACK. IMAGINE THAT! not to mention my damn ez-link lah. lols fuck u noe i have to top up every two days, and this is when im still using student fare (the old ez-link HAHA).
ANYWAYS, i like my classroom. WAHAHA, very cooling lah. and my class is not bad itself lah. we just need to bond together more.
and well, there's whacky ppl inside. LIKE ah beng daryl and jackson, guilty-faced teck hwee and horny boy elyas, as well as the bimbo lesley.
LOLS. and i eat a lot in school these days. i spend 10 dollars in a day, on just FOOD. i hope i can get fat man. SERIOUSLY (corrine's style)
bah, ok, i'm tired.
Write with no regrets
5:31 AM
Saturday, March 29, 2008
celebrated bro's bdae yest.
HAHA, just went out to eat as a family at cck park, quite nice, and cheap also. had satay, tom yam, butter prawns, lemon chicken, sweet and sour fish, and kailan with mushroom (which is nice!), all these with plain white rice.
LOLS. then we went to walk around at lot one.
and my mom bought this bonia bag that this old auntie also wanted, HAHA and the auntie looked so sad that my mom was like feeling bad for some reason. even i somehow feel sorry for her you know, and she just kept looking at my mom holding the bag with such longing. LOLS. see the passion ppl can have over a bag?
yeah, i'm obviously bored.
stuck.
Write with no regrets
10:49 PM
Friday, March 28, 2008
went to have sheesha again on mon, LOLS.
yeah sheesha can really like replace my malboro or sth alr. Anyways, went with james, aiman, iman (aiman's bro), zulhafiz and fareez (whom we met along the way at bugis mrt).
we had a gd time and it was fucking nice, although the strawberry mint was so much nicer than the green apple. HAHA, but we got to hang out, so that alone was fun. HAHA, yeah and we had it at AMIRAH's GRILL OR STH, where coleslaw was priced at 4.90. =_= ok, i know what you're thinking (and yeah, i can like top up my ez-link man) HAHA.
oh ya, just so u know, fareez was afraid of dying. (He started coughing and aiman and his bro told him of their friend who died two weeks after smoking sheesha). HAHA, they fucking told him that the guy was also coughing just as he was and complaining about some phlegm. (it's fake actually, no one died, or i wouldnt have continued to smoke the sheesha). but sadly though, as scared as he was of dying, the usual fareez went to meet some girl he just got to know from friendster afterwards =_= (I MEAN IF IT WAS ME I WOULD HAVE LIKE GONE HOME STRAIGHT TO SPEND TIME WITH MY FAMILY) CHEY! LOLS, LIKE WHAT THE MALAYS WOULD USUALLY SAY, MCM PAHAM
haha, and after sheesha we went to TONG SENG COFFEESHOP and just hanged out around bugis. and for those who've nvr eaten at this tong seng coffeeshop, just NVR EVER EVER EVER GO THERE FOR A DATE, THOUGH THE FOOD IS REALLY NICE AND CHEAP ACTUALLY. but i FUCKING SWEAT LIKE IVE JUST BATHED. so yeah.
then for the next few days, i have just been stuck at home; i just went to eat swensens with my family yest. i regret ordering the 49ers chicken or sth. i mean i saw the all time fav label on it but really, i regret ordering it. LOLS. but i love the ice lemon tea. it's like the mug is the size of those for drinking beers. (WOO)
and today i finally got my macbook man. MUAHAHAHAHAHHAHA.
but, the msn sucks. so be happy fuckers and stop complaining or whining. LOLS
Write with no regrets
8:46 AM
Sunday, March 23, 2008
a. List seven habits/quirks/facts about yourself.
b. Tag seven people to do the same.
c. Do not tag the person who tagged you or say that you tag "whoever wants to do it".
1. i'm not a liar. i'm a storyteller, i merely fabricate things and exaggerate.
2. i tend to be very rebellious and am willing to challenge the system/fucked up teachers.
3. i FUCKING hate emo kids/scene kids/poseurs/cocky ppl/fucked up teachers who demands respect but dont give them (anyone actually but teachers are the worst)/racists/favouritism/guys who think with their dicks/ppl doubting me or looking down on me.
4. i hate crowds, esp mrt crowds, when some retards just jostle their way in even though there is obviously no fucking space and how it ends up as me having nth to grab on to and be like a retard trying to balance for the rest of my journey. i feel like fucking moshing all these retards and give them sth up their asses. and i hate those who fight for seats/dont give their seats to pregnant ladies/senior citizens. since they like sitting so much, i wish they can just get stuck to the mrt seats.
5. i'm short-tempered. piss me off and you die. seriously. and i'm very vengeful also. =)
6. i have weird practise hours for guitar.
7. i love eating maggi mee curry flavour.
damian
simin
april
merina
cryssie
amanda(choy)
qamarul
Write with no regrets
8:36 AM
hanging out at bugis is the sex.
sheesha, murtabak and mee siam/mee hoon goreng, teh tarek, malboro and great friends.
anyways, went to min's house today, sorry for being late. had lontong at west coast with my family first. HAHA. well, her room is much more tidy than mine and she has this big comfy bed which i bet has cum stains on it. LOL.
and nah, sorry no orgy porgy at her house today (even though there was no one at home, LOLS, see how well behaved we are =) ). We just watched horror movies through her laptop and fiona screamed whenever there are scary parts. =_= im telling you, i can't tell which is worse, her screaming or the ghosts. LOL. and at 4 she had to go for her tuition and so yeah i had to leave with her. (she fucking didnt wanna pon ah, i cant believe it, it's like everyone wants to hang out with me but she, she cant even pon one stupid tuition. HAHA)
okok, ill go find work soon. damnnit.
Write with no regrets
4:43 AM
Friday, March 14, 2008
had a crazy time yest with two of my bitches , yimin and fiona. LOL.
oh oh ya, haha, i went ngee ann poly to buy laptop first (HAHA, stop laughing fiona) and then i went to outram to pay my smoking fine. haha. fiona believed that it was 3000 dollars. (and sorry mc that i didnt perform with you guys at plaza singapura, couldnt make it)
and after that i finally met the two bimbos at city hall. LOLS.
went to mat haven (penin) LOLS! as my friends were there looking at pedals, buying shoes.
but we went to eat, cos fiona didnt like them (HAHA). and the food was suprisingly nice. MIN MIN had mee berus (toothbrush noodles) , fiona had mee goreng with taugays in it and i had hor fun. i might just like hor fun more than ban mian now. LOLS, sorry cryssie.
lols, after we finished eating we decided to visit damian - he's been complaining like gay that we've nvr visited him so yeah we went. sampled the diff ice-creams there and then ordered one with peanut butter, irish cream and cheese sth ah (fuck i forgot). LOLS. and then we played pictionary. that fiona won =_= and yeah i discovered min cant draw for nuts! haha (i can't draw actually, my car looks like that of a k1's drawing).
haha, but i had fun though, but not so much fun when i had to go to amk to go home =_=. ive nvr been there my whole life ah. amk is like ah beng haven, no wonder min's so vulgar.
LOLS, then for today had to stay home with sis. bro had to go for an operation. yeah, i hope he'll be fine.
Write with no regrets
4:10 AM