Monday, May 19, 2008
i told myself that i would blog only when i really need to. and now, i think i really need to.
today has been a very emotional roller-coaster ride. well, the last few days have been, i'm just either too busy or tired. nah, k i didn't feel like sharing it and i was being in denial. but, i finally realise that i should blog about it, not that so you guys can read about it, it's so that i can read and remember for myself, cos i want to remember. i mean i need to.
cos remembrance is all i have.
you see, i hate change. YES, CHANGE, it fucking sucks. and i hate to move on. i mean why? why must we?
i'm someone who's very sentimental and have a strong sense of attachment to places/things/people. These are the things that give meaning to my life and change, i'm scared of it. why? cos change not only means not knowing what to expect, but change for me throughout my entire life has been about saying goodbye to things, people, places, all those that have mattered very deeply to me. change has seen parts of my life walking out the door and not coming back. i mean i've lost my friends throughout the years, i've lost places that brings back memories, i've lost things that brings meaning. i mean seriously why? why cant all these stay? i guess i finally realise why they say the most important thing to a man is his memories and his thoughts, cos without them, he'll be lost, he'll lose the value of knowing that something so valuable in his life that is now lost was there. he'll lose his life, cos life is all about looking back at the past and thinking as to whether things could have been different.
i'm moving house in a week. and it's just a house, yeah. but the thing is it's not just a house.
to me, it's not just a place where i return to from school, where i eat, sleep and drink. all this space that makes my house, the walls, the rooms, my room especially, are the things that form the space that holds my memories, my life. this is where i grew up. in all the years that i go through change, when i go through ups and downs in my life, when my dad beats me, or when my parents fight, or when my sister kissed me on the cheek, these are the things that remains unchanged, these walls, they stuck with me, they are part of the memories in my life. even my cupboard, a mere cupboard, and my bed, the underneath of it, are my hiding spots when my dad was going to beat me, when i felt lonely, when i felt like disappearing, these are the places that hid my fears and my worries, my feelings.
and i really regret that i didn't spend as much time with my family as i should have, that i didn't return home for mom when i could, to protect her from dad, cos i always see her giving in to him, but spend my time outside, when all that really matters is back at home. and now suddenly, i'm moving house. because of change. because we need money, because i'm growing up and i need a room for myself, because that's how life is. and it's all happening too fast. first change was when i got kicked out of jc and i didn't noe what to expect from a poly, well i still don't. and i don't noe what else to expect in life anymore. it seems to be taking me by the hand and dragging me wherever it wants to, and it sucks, seriously.
and so, all i could ever do, was to take pics of my room, my house, even the garden at my block, and yeah that's the reason ive not been going out so much recently guys, cos ive mostly been lying on my bed, in denial that all these would stay and i would tell myself and reassure myself that it would, until i know it wouldn't and feel all fucked up.
p.s. thanks dad, you were really great, especially today, when everyone is sad over the moving house thing, you had to show your "sadness" by scolding vulgarities and throwing tantrums and scolding mom. i realise that the reason ive always hated going home, being at home, was you. and now my home is about to disappear from my life. THANKS. really.
Write with no regrets
10:09 AM